Summer of Waiting

These last couple months have felt so crazy. I’m sure from the outside it seemed like I was withholding information from y’all about my infertility journey, but truthfully I was waiting for something to share.

Early on, after the news of our 2 PGT (preimplantation genetic testing) embryos, Bradford and I decided to repeat the egg retrieval process before we attempted to transfer one. We kept this to ourselves with the intentions of sharing it once the process began. That process STILL hasn't began.

It was a summer of waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And- spoiler alert- I’m still waiting. Welcome to the rollercoaster of infertility, everyone ha.

Mentally, I’m doing pretty well. It was a rocky start to the summer, but I can happily say that I was able to travel and enjoy my summer without needles and appointments. At one point, I kind of even forgot that we were going through this. I’m sure that sounds weird, but honestly, it was a much-needed blessing to just feel like “carefree” me again (quotations because anyone who knows me knows I’m not a carefree individual 😂 but back to pre-infertility diagnosis Courtney level of carefree). That said, during a late night FB scroll yesterday it dawned on me that people I know have had multiple children in the time we’ve been trying for one. Those kinds of stings still exist, I’m just doing better at coping with them (it helps a ton that I’m not currently pumped full of hormones, too).

Here’s how the summer went down…

June

Had my egg retrieval and retrieved 6. 4 fertilized, 3 made it to day 6 blast stage, 2 were PGT normal (preimplantation genetic testing). Decided we wanted to do another retrieval. My clinic shuts down one week a year, and the week I would have had said retrieval was the week they would have been closed, so we took it as a sign and enjoyed a month/ cycle “off” and waited. During this time I traveled home to visit my family and we also went to Disney World. 🏰

July

Called to report my next cycle starting and doctor decided to try a new protocol on me, which would require estrogen priming after ovulation, but before your next cycle starts. This meant that I couldn’t do anything until after I ovulated in the current cycle, so we waited some more. During this time I traveled home (again) to see my family and also went to Nashville to visit my best friend. Bradford and I had planned to visit family in Colorado (and hunt some 👻) but we cancelled because we thought we’d be starting IVF again and knew we couldn’t travel. Obviously, we didn’t start IVF like planned, so missing that trip was a punch to the gut reminder of how infertility can take just about any plan it wants away from you.

August

First day back at work I was scheduled for lab work to see if I had ovulated (to begin estrogen priming- more on that further down). I hadn’t, so we waited. Went back 7 days later to check again. I had, but my levels still needed to rise before meds, so we waited. Went back a third time, and I finally was told I’m ready… to place a prescription. We now get to wait another almost week for me to start the estrogen. I got that news today, so now you’re up to speed! Ha.

Questions I’m sure y’all have (family and close friends have had them, too):

Q: You have 2 PGT normal embryos, why are you having another egg retrieval instead of just transferring one of them to get pregnant?

A: Embryo does not equal pregnancy. Pregnancy does not equal live birth. The goal (obviously) is to have a baby, not simply get pregnant. Reproductive Endocrinologist’s recommend you have a minimum of 3 embryos banked for every live birth you want. We currently don’t have enough embryos banked to give us peace of mind that we will even get pregnant and have a live baby once. Yes, I know it “only takes one” and yes, I know I’m supposed to “have faith”, and I do- I promise. I also am a very logically driven individual and cannot ignore science and statistics completely. Statistically, most women do not have a live birth from their first IVF transfer. Meaning, they may have a positive pregnancy test, but somewhere along the way something changes resulting in a miscarriage. I have several friends who miscarried after IVF or the embryo did not implant. This is unfortunately very common. Here’s the big thing…. This will likely be the ONLY time in my ENTIRE life I can retrieve eggs and bank them (aka freeze them for later use), given my diagnosis. Had we transferred one, and it implanted and everything went well, we would have been ecstatic. That also means that absolutely everything would have to go 100% perfect when we went back years from now to grow our family and use our LAST EMBRYO. Some embryos don’t survive being “thawed”. Some embryos don’t implant in your uterus. Others implant and continue growing, then just stop, and you miscarry. There is a plethora of things that can go wrong, and while we are not fixating on the what-ifs, we’re also very aware of the fact that we have the opportunity now to retrieve more and hopefully increase our chances of having a child/children. Keep in mind, given my diagnosis, years from now when we might be ready for our second child I could no longer have eggs available to retrieve. That’s not a risk we are willing to take. To us, having a second retrieval is our only option.

Q: What is estrogen priming and why do you need it?

A: Estrogen priming is commonly used in women with my infertility diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve (DOR). What it does is it “recruits” follicles to grow at relatively the same speed, thus hopefully increasing the number of follicles that will be ready to be retrieved on retrieval day. Remember, we’re against the clock and your body always wants to try to do what it’s meant to do (this is a good thing!). We are medically controlling my ovulation. What I mean is, if I were to naturally ovulate, my IVF would be cancelled, because the eggs would have been released before they could be harvested. Eggs must be mature before they are retrieved. Immature eggs very rarely continue to grow in a lab. So, if you have 10 follicles, but only 3 are measuring large enough to be considered mature, then you go in for the 3. You can’t wait around and hope the other 7 will mature and THEN go in, because in that time your body will sense that you have 3 mature eggs and naturally ovulate your “queen egg”. So, estrogen priming gives you the best shot at having, still going with my example, all 10 mature at the same time, thus resulting in 10 eggs retrieved. More eggs retrieved means more that can be fertilized, more that can make it to blastocyst stage, and more that are hopefully PGT normal. So basically, we are trying estrogen priming to increase our chances at success.

So there ya have it. My summer in a nut shell. I am very appreciative for all the friends who reached out over the summer to let me know they were thinking of me and praying and wanted to see how I was doing. I know so many of you are invested in this journey with us and I didn’t want to leave y’all hanging any longer.

Prayer requests:

• For my doctor that her new protocol for me is the right one

• For me, that this new hormone doesn’t completely make me lose my mind

• For every single teacher you know. This isn’t fertility related, but this is honestly where all my anxiety currently lies. COVID is not over. COVID is not gone. It is an absolute mess in schools right now. It is worse than last year, because states and districts chose to pretend this was over and didn't use the summer to build plans and protocols to protect their staff and students. Your teacher friends are not okay. I don’t care how cute our classroom pics or first day back pics look. We are drowning. This is ridiculous. We need prayers. (All people in schools- staff & children.) I know I especially don’t need the added anxiety and stress of this going into IVF. There are lots of studies that show how negatively stress impacts your body, fertility, and IVF success. 😭

• Also that my follicles all get recruited and grow strong (I kind of giggle that my follicles are being “recruited” at the same time fall sorority recruitment is happening across the country). Perhaps that makes me nuts, I can’t call it! 😜

Thank you for everything, guys!