Signs & Results

Something really moving happened to me this past Sunday. I was visiting my friend Katy in Nashville and she took me to her church. Long story short, we woke up late and Katy had given me an “out” and said she could watch at home online, but I knew how rare it was for her to have a Sunday off, how important it was to her to go, and I also felt like I needed to be there for whatever reason. Fast forward, we’re in the service, the band is playing (which, holy cow Nashville “Music City” churches turn the talent up to 10000000000+), and the pastor cuts in to speak during an instrumental break. I can’t remember his exact words, but he says something like, “God wants me to speak right now to someone here who is going through infertility and praying for a child. God knows your heart, He hears your prayers, and He’s got you. You aren’t alone on this journey. He knows things aren't going like you ever expected they would, but He is with you and He is fighting your battles.” Well, me, already a super emotional person, essentially just burst into tears, and I knew in that instant that THAT was why I felt like I was supposed to be there. I’m not suggesting I was the only person in attendance or watching the stream going through infertility, but I do 1000% know that God knew I (and potentially others) needed to hear that in that very moment- and I am so thankful for that.

So now for a little update…

On Friday Bradford and I got news that 2 of our 6 embryos tested normal, bringing our total number of normal embryos to 4 from two rounds of IVF.

Are we excited? Absolutely.

Are we disappointed and worried? Yes, that, too- and that’s OKAY. You can exist in multiple emotional states at once. It’s scary to look at statistics and know that while your body did the absolute best it could do, it still might not be good enough.

Of course we had hoped for more to be normal to increase our chances (as a reminder, it is suggested to have 3 embryos banked for every live birth, which would mean we are 2 shy of our ideal goal of 6 for two children), but we also have faith that whatever family we are supposed to have will come from these 4- whether that is through successful pregnancies, or knowing we did everything in our power before having our child(ren) come to us through adoption.

Today we had a FET (Fetal Embryo Transfer) consultation. It was so emotional because FINALLY we are at the last step. THE most important step. THE step that determines it all. There are still checkboxes to fill, procedures to have, and hormones to take before I am “cleared” for the embryo transfer, but we have never been this close to having a baby in our arms ever before-- and that is equal parts exciting and terrifying. While our odds with a PGT normal embryo are high (72%), nothing is absolute in life. IVF doesn’t guarantee you’ll have a baby. This is something I think a lot of people who don’t live through infertility don’t always understand, I know I sure didn’t. It makes it really hard for people to watch you get good news and experience wins and wonder “why aren’t they happy.” We ARE happy, but as soon as we get one sigh of relief we are given our next hurdle to jump over in this journey- more statistics, more appointments, more medications, more… everything that is not normal and more reminders of how difficult and long this journey is.

My first “hurdle” of this last chapter will take place on Friday. I’ll have a series of procedures done to clear me to begin hormones.

We are in the final stretch of this part of our journey to pregnancy. I’m a complete bundle of emotions. Fortunately, I’ll see my miracle-working therapist tomorrow to help me sort through it all and find tools to not lose my mind in this next part.

It might not look like it, but we have peace. We are excited. We are anxious. We have hope. If all goes as planned I could be pregnant in just over a month- and we cannot believe it. Thank you for all of your ongoing prayers and positivity. They are working- please keep them coming, and specifically please pray for my procedures Friday to go well and my body to respond better than expected to prepare for sweet baby Z. We truly appreciate you all.