It Didn't Work...

My second IUI was unsuccessful. I am not pregnant. 💔 My next IUI cycle begins this Wednesday. We’re broken. Hurt. Sad. Losing hope. When it comes to prayers, I think our mental strength needs it more than anything else. I’m emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I’m over missing work several times a week for appointments. I’m over shots and medications that completely alter how I feel. I’m over this wild monthly rollercoaster of emotions. I’m over changing everything for nothing.

This past weekend Bradford and I planned a trip to San Antonio to just getaway and do the things we love (ghost hunting, fancy dinners, rollercoasters, etc.). We were supposed to stay downtown (vs with my family). This picture was taken in our first of many plans. About 2 hours later the weather completely cancelled our plans (quite literally) and instead of hunting ghosts I sat on the the stairs of the haunted hotel and sobbed- in the pouring rain- while Bradford tried to pick up the pieces. We can’t seem to catch a break. Even fun plans we try to make for ourselves to feel an ounce of normalcy are being completely derailed these days.

I know deep down all of this is happening for some reason, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Since our plans were ruined, we left our hotel and decided to stay with my parents for the weekend instead. It was at their house that I started to spot. Perhaps God didn’t want us away from our family or didn’t want me to feel the sickness that comes with the realization all your shots and treatments didn’t work in a random bathroom at a restaurant. We’ll never know.

Today my doctor confirmed what I’ve felt all month. Yes- all month. I didn’t say it out loud publicly bc I didn’t want to put it into the universe, but I did say to my therapist and Bradford, “I just don’t feel it this time. I don’t think it’s happening.” To be quite honest, I felt numb all month. I cried less. Smiled less. Hoped less. I just kinda existed and went through the motions. My therapist said I’m learning something new with each round- something that will enrich my entire life from here on out. We decided that the first round I learned about hope, and this last time I learned about surrendering. Her thinking brings me a sense of peace in all this.

I’m rambling now- no surprise to anyone who’s ever had a convo with me in real life, watched one of my live trainings, or got a phone call, FB voice message, or voxer from me 😜-so I’ll stop.

I know you guys ask for me to outline prayers we specifically need, so here it is...

-Please pray for us the be cleared on Wednesday.

-Please pray for us mentally bc this sh*t is really freaking hard.

-Please pray for my strength going into a week plastered with emails, marketing campaigns, FB ads, and social media posts about Mother’s Day- a holiday I feel so desperate to be included in.

-And, of course, please pray for baby Z. Wherever they are they are already so incredibly loved, thought about, and prayed over- and even though I’d much rather them be here on earth within me right now, I think it’s a pretty cool thing to know how many people are thinking and dreaming and hoping for them right along side Bradford and I. It’s incredibly humbling and we are so thankful. ❤️