Here We Go Again...

It’s hard to put into words how this last week has felt, but y’all know I’m going to give it a long-winded try. 😉

Last Wednesday I got the news that our first IUI had been unsuccessful. (I also learned the really fun fact that the hormones they put you on after an IUI or IVF mimic pregnancy symptoms... how thoughtful, right?) From the moment I knew I wasn’t pregnant I had 24 hours until I was back at my doctor getting cleared for my 2nd IUI. 36 hours until Bradford was administering my first shot. 48 hours until I was a moody, sensitive, anti-social, sad ball of fertility hormone emotions. I share this not for pity, but to shed some light on the reality of infertility. That’s a lot to process and put your mind, body, and spirit through in a short period of time. And to be completely honest, I haven’t processed even half of it. My therapist told me that it could be years before I ever truly process all I’m going through right now. As a girl who spent her entire life wrapped up in plans and checklists, it feels so weird to be moving onto the next thing when I still haven’t (emotionally) crossed off the first.

I’m all over the place with this cycle. I feel numb and guarded. I’m not excited at appointments and I don’t feel those happy and anxious butterflies. I feel fairly calm and “safe”, but the shots are no longer fun. (Crazy, I know, but everything last cycle had a little bit of excitement wrapped up in it bc I knew it was one step closer to baby Z.) Now, I feel like “am I one step closer to baby Z or one step closer to disappointment and heart break”?

I do have good news to share- and apologize for seeming like such a Debbie Downer in this. Last week at my baseline sonogram I had 3 follicles. My initial reaction was sadness. First I had 8, then last time 5, now 3. My number is dwindling. Does that mean I can’t have more next time? No, not at all. But when you’re supposed to have 12-24 and only have 3, it’s hard not to feel discouraged, cheated, even upset.

My doctor is extremely proactive, and she said we aren’t going to do the exact same thing over again and hope for different results. She took me off of Clomid (an oral fertility med that helps you ovulate and helps mature the follicles) and upped my dose from 50 units to 250 units of my injection. It’s been hard. That’s a big jump hormonally for my body and it’s been a lot to manage- on top of all the emotions coming off of a failed IUI- and the emotions of going into another. The good news is that, ovary speaking, I’m responding really well to these. Two of my follicles had grown a ton in just 3 days, and in 3 days my uterine lining was where it was 10 days into my last cycle. My doctor even said my uterine lining was “beautiful”- and yes, I’m adding that to my resume. Ha. We’re happy and hopeful with 2 growing follicles, and yes, this does mean twins are still a possibility- something I dream and see often these days (and judging by my inbox, apparently y’all are having dreams of me with twins, too). I do often remind myself though that it only takes 1 to make our little miracle.

Tomorrow I head back to the doctor to checkin and see how I’m progressing. If my follicles have reached 18mm (they were 10mm as of Monday) then they’ll give me my trigger shot (to trigger ovulation) and I’ll have my second IUI on Saturday. You guys... TEN DAYS after the news that I’m not pregnant I’ll be artificially inseminated again. Like, sorry, what?!? What an emotional rollercoaster.

What I could really use are your prayers and good vibes- obviously for baby Z, but also for Bradford and I. We never expected things to move this quickly and we’re both really feeling the heaviness of it all. I desperately want my happy, giddy, excited feeling back, but I’m also learning to give myself grace. I’m slowly learning that there is no right or wrong way to go through this, and that no two cycles will ever feel the same, nor can I compare them and think how I’m feeling now is wrong simply bc this isn’t how I felt before. I'm also realizing with each passing day that I'm far stronger than I ever believed I could be. People tell me this often, or ask how I'm being so strong, but I have no other choice. You do what you gotta do.

I’m so often asked for specific prayers, so here it goes:

• Strength to get through this emotional rollercoaster

• Hope to overcome fear

• Two perfect little mature follicles and a perfect cushy uterus to implant right into

• And more strength- for the 2 week wait that’s quickly approaching

All in all, when I think about it, I’m grateful that things are moving this fast. It’s a complete mind f, but I have no time to sit and twiddle my thumbs and feel helpless. I’m not a sports gal, but my therapist said something that really stuck with me. “It’s like you just lost the Super Bowl game, but got called to play your next game 24 hrs later and have no time to rest. Just like that it’s game on again.”

This was a little all over the place (much like my hormones and emotions right now ha), but it’s been a full week since I filled y’all in and a lot has happened... and truly, I want and need your prayers, positivity, and baby dust. I’m so grateful for every message, text, dream you share, etc. Truly. Please don’t stop. On my hardest days, much of the hope I hold onto comes from those things. I don’t think you’ll ever know how much you’re impacting me.

I’ll try not to keep y’all waiting so long for the next update. (Would you believe I have 5 blog posts already written and just haven’t hit publish? 🤦‍♀️)

Thank you again for following our journey.