Comparison is the Thief of Joy

September 1, 2021

•••IVF UPDATE•••

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” One of my most used quotes when I’m coaching and training others, yet I’m having one HECK of a time taking my own advice these days.

Tomorrow is my second egg retrieval. I’m a ball of emotions. None are negative, but none are positive. I’m just here… going through the motions.

For starters, I’m incredibly overwhelmed. Mixing the hardest year of my teaching career with the hardest time in my personal life has not gone over well. The burnout is real. The breakdowns are real.

Next up, I have an unbelievable amount of medications and hormones racing through my body. I’m uncomfortable. I’m hot all the time. I’m nauseous. I’m having all the side effects. Some of you are thinking or will tell me, “this is good preparation for pregnancy.” Please don’t. I know you mean well, but this is what I’m doing to hopefully have a CHANCE at pregnancy. There is a massive difference.

That said, the hardest hurdle doing a second retrieval is comparing everything to my first…

- I started this retrieval with fewer follicles

- This retrieval had follicles growing at different speeds which gave us a scare of “canceling” this round

- I now have more follicles visible than last time at this point, but they aren’t measuring as big

- Last time I was incredibly bloated and felt like I had bowling balls in my stomach. I couldn’t stand upright leading up to my retrieval. This time- none of that.

- Last time no symptoms- this time hot, anxious, sleep troubles, nausea, complete and total lack of patience and empathy.

- This time my estradiol is lower…. But my progesterone and HCG are higher (fun fact, my trigger shot is HCG- aka the pregnancy hormone, which legit means I could take a pregnancy test right now and for the first time in my life see a positive. Talk about a mind f . This is to trick my brain into thinking I’m pregnant so I don’t ovulate PRIOR to the egg retrieval. Science is wild, right?!?)

Are all these differences good?

Are they all bad?

Does any of this matter?

I really don’t know.

But the comparison is so unbelievably hard and something I’ve talked at length with my therapist about. I can’t focus on what I don’t know or what I can’t control (which is almost everything ha). I know last time was successful and I know how badly we want to replicate that (or do better). I also know that last time I was off work and wasn’t stressed- and this time is completely different, so my body is likely responding differently. All that said, I know that comparing everything from last time to this time is robbing myself of feeling any happiness, joy, or victories from the things that ARE going right this time. Like…

I also know my body is doing the best it can

I know that MY best isn’t someone else’s best.

I know I took my last dose I’ll ever have of some of these hormones and finished a supplement that gave me horrible acne that I’ve been so self conscious of for months. (This is a big win for me mentally ha).

I’ve done -everything right-. There’s nothing I could have done differently.

I took all the supplements.

I ate all the things.

I did the injections at the precise right time.

I got the sleep.

I had the acupuncture.

I took the meditations.

I left the work at work.

I took the mental health days.

I asked for help.

I got the massages.

I took the walks.

I saw my therapist.

I listened to my body.

I filled my laughter and happiness cup as much as I could.

& I prayed. A lot.

So now we wait and we pray that tomorrow all 6 of my follicles have a mature egg in them. We also pray that although science is powerful, God has the final say, and we get even more than scans show I have now (this happened last time, not to compare ).

My retrieval is at 7:30am tomorrow. I’m ready for that reeeealllyy good nap after all the emotional, mental, and physical distress my body has been under.

Thank you for your prayers and well wishes. And thank you for building me up throughout this journey. It’s not always easy to share all of this, but moments when I feel like I’m done I receive a message from y’all telling me how much my transparency through this means to you, or how it’s helping you on your own journey, or helping you support someone else through theirs. And that’s what it’s all about. That’s a pretty amazing legacy baby Z is already creating.

So thank you. Let’s do this, little eggs! I’m ready.